Oh, and this was inspired by Roald Dahl's Revolting Rhymes. So be forewarned!
Rapunzel
narrated by
Rapunzel Jr.
Listen, children, I'm Rapunzel Jr.
I'm here to tell about Rapunzel Senior.
Listen clear and listen well
Because it has a moral to tell.
It started one day
When the witch went away
Through the forest on her gray
To the tower by the bay.
"Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair."
Mind you, no one would dare
Disobey the witch's bellow
So down came the hair out of the window
And great billows of dust
Reached the witch's bust
Whose gown was cut so low
(As if there's anything to show.)
Rapunzel's hair was long and plaited, see?
It was never cut since she was three.
It was never cut since she was three.
It was this time that she was locked
In this tower made of blocks.
There was no door, nor a staircase,
Not even flowers on a vase.
No stereo, no CD,
No Skycable's, no TV.
You see, this witch is a miser,
Who never really became wiser.
When she didn't pay her overcharged bills,
Her electric and water supply went nil.
So Rapunzel's hair wasn't shampooed
And so the lice weren't fooled.
They propagated and multiplied
'Til all her hair was occupied.
Now you would think the witch would care,
But she wouldn't really dare
Give Rapunzel her long due bath
Nor teach her any simplified math.
She knew Rapunzel must never be
As gorgeous, as wise, as beautiful as she.
Even so Rapunzel was happy,
Except those times when her hair was itchy.
Up the tower climbed the witch
Seen by a Prince hiding behind a ditch.
"Oh! Goody, goody! if I had my way,
I'll have all those hair for my toupee!"
(The balding prince wasn't aware
Of dandruff and lice in her hair.)
At long last, the witch went home
Then Prince Baldie said with a groan
"Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!"
And again blew down a gust of dirt
That ruined his fake Lacoste T-shirt.
When he hopped over to the window sill,
He saw Rapunzel's back so still.
Slowly she turned and shouted,
"Oh, my prince, marry me!"
Prince Baldie, horrified, shuddered to his knee.
The Prince saw that Rapunzel has lots of zits
And to top it all off, she has no wit.
(Otherwise she would've thought of a way
To escape the tower within a day.)
And how could he miss
That she has halitosis!
The Prince shook out of his trance
And gave another quick glance.
He gulped and made a hasty goodbye
And thought he'd rather swallow a fly.
As he was about to jump, he was trapped
He never thought the witch would be back.
(You see, she forgot her driver's license,
And it has been long nagging her conscience.)
The witch saw the prince and gasped
"Here's my chance to be queen at last!"
Then she preened and shook her butt
(But in reality, she looked like a slut.)
The blind prince fell under her spell
And asked the witch to be her belle.
In return she would provide
Lots of hair for his scalp to hide.
So off to the forest, rode the prince and the witch,
In each other's arms bewitched,
Leaving poor Rapunzel behind
To cry and cry out of her mind.
Don't worry, the story doens't end this way,
Otherwise I wouldn't be here today.
A fisherman heard Rapunzel's cry,
A gentleman and quite a nice guy.
He rescued her from her plight
And took her off into the night.
He had her hair cut short
And my! It took a lot of effort!
He didn't throw it away, I bet,
And wove it into a fishing net.
The lice all met their fate
As they were turned into fishing bait.
So, Rapunzel and hubby prospered happily
And in the end, they had me!
As for the witch and the prince,
They've been miserable ever since
She couldn't produce a nice toupee,
And found out he was gay.
So dear children, listen here
We mustn't judge how people appear.
The worth of a person is in his heart.
Remember this, even as we part.
