This is something I wrote for a friend many years ago when she felt like not going to church because she was hurt by another sister from the church. After several months of prayer and Bible study and group counselling, she was finally able to break through the shackles of unforgiveness. Praise the Lord!


Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
Colossians 3 : 12 – 14


My dear friend,

Last night after we talked on the phone, I felt so disturbed and worried about you. I prayed for your friend who betrayed you and I prayed for you, that you might find the peace of God and through His grace, you might be able to forgive. For without your willingness to forgive, you may not be able to get the peace that God intends you to have.

It is true, forgiving is very hard to do. Philip Yancey in his book “What’s So Amazing About Grace?” calls it an unnatural act. It is indeed unfair. How can you forgive somebody who calls herself a Christian and yet has betrayed you and called you names behind your back? How can you indeed forgive this person, whom you had considered friend and yet has spread malicious false stories about you, making you look bad among our fellow church members? How can you forgive this person who, after doing these harmful acts intentionally, can still go to church and is able to worship the same God you worship as if she did no wrong?

But you see, God REQUIRES you to forgive.

1. The Gospel gives us a straightforward command and gives us the answer to why we should forgive – because that is what God is like.

When Jesus gave the command, “Love your enemies,” he added, “… that you may be sons of your Father in heaven.” As Christians, we are called to be Christ-like. We are called to bear God’s family’s likeness. Forgiving our enemies is part of it. Jesus said that even unbelievers love their friends and families. So, how can we differ from them? The answer is to love our enemies, so that we can be set apart from others. How can we be salt of the earth and light of the world if the world cannot see that we are different from unbelievers? Follow Jesus’ command to “pray for those who persecute you.”

2. If God forgave our debts, how can we not do the same to others?

Maybe you feel that your sins are not as great as this so-called friend’s sins. You certainly have not betrayed any of your friends. But you see, in God’s eyes, your sins and hers and mine as well, are just as grave – we all deserve Death. Remember the parable of the unforgiving servant? His master forgave him and erased his ‘millions’ of debt. Just as he went out of his master’s office, he met a fellow who owed him a ‘few pesos.’ He beat up the poor fellow and threw him in prison. Please don’t be like the unforgiving servant. If the Lord Jesus can forgive you at such a high cost to Him – that is, His own blood on Calvary, surely, you can forgive and risk just a little cost to yourself.

3. At the center of the Lord’s Prayer, which Jesus taught us to recite, is again that requirement – Forgiveness.

“Forgive our trespasses, As we forgive those who trespass against us.”

Notice the word “AS.” Read the prayer again. Doesn’t it mean that we will be forgiven out trespasses IF we forgive others? Therefore, if you do not forgive others, your own sin might not be forgiven. Wow! Think about it. Personally, I would not care if I don’t have to speak or have any contact with my betrayer, but to lose the grace of my God, that is another matter altogether. And that’s what the Lord’s Prayer implies, if we do not forgive, we are accountable to God. The ending of the unforgiving servant is not a happy one. When his master found out about what the servant did to the poor fellow, the master turned this unforgiving servant over to the jailers to be tortured. Philip Yancey says, “By denying forgiveness to others, we are in effect determining them unworthy of God’s forgiveness and thus, so are we. In some mysterious way, divine forgiveness depends on us.”

4. Forgiveness means taking the initiative.

I know, you will say, ‘I will forgive her if she realizes her mistakes and apologizes.’ Or even just ‘I will forgive her if she just makes the first move to reconcile.’ Yes, that kind of reasoning is right and just for us. After all, she is the one who did the wrong, not you. But what if she never apologizes or makes the first move? Will you allow yourself to live with ‘ungrace’ forever? So justice is not a consideration in our act of forgiving. Our forgiveness should be unconditional because God’s forgiveness is unconditional. Of course, it is very difficult at this point. The wound and pain of betrayal is still there. You still feel angry and it feels unfair that God demands you to forgive. But that is how the healing starts. That is how God’s grace will come in. If you don’t let go, how will God work? Do you want to remain full of anger, resentment and hatred for the rest of your life?

Forgiveness is not the same as pardon. Lewis Smedes said that ‘ you may forgive the one who has wronged you but insist on a just punishment.’ Like maybe we can forgive a murderer but still insist he serve his sentence in jail. In your case, maybe your betrayer just needs an intense talk and counseling with people accountable to her, rebuke her and remind her of God’s instructions.

5. Forgiveness is an act of faith.

In Romans 12, Paul said, “Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written : ‘It is mine to avenge, I will repay,’ says the Lord.”

By forgiving your betrayer, you are telling God, trusting God that He will make things right. Of course, God may not deal with the person or give out punishment to the betrayer as you would wish. After all, God is a merciful God. But in the end, you will win because you will earn a reward – a crown from Him who is just. Leave everything in the Lord’s hands. It is His to avenge.


Elizabeth O’Connor writes that “Despite a hundred sermons on forgiveness, we do not forgive easily, nor find ourselves easily forgiven. Forgiveness, we discover, is always harder than the sermons make out to be.”

I, myself have always struggled with my unforgiving heart. (You know my struggle with my in-laws which took God years to sort me out. I think His work is not yet finished.) But there is a wonderful incentive for us to forgive – in the end, your relationship with Him will be restored, and you will find God’s comfort, grace and peace. The kind of peace the Bible talks about – that which only the Lord can give.

Please call me anytime if you want to talk again. We will be praying for you constantly. God bless!









Reference:


Philip Yancey, What’s So Amazing About Grace? (Michigan: Zondervan Publishing House, 1997), chap 7.